Bobby says:

"I want to apologize for not keeping in touch on the blog. I was in the hospital and only recently got out, last Wednesday. So let me tell you where I have been and what is going on with me. They were trying to save my left leg, and in order to do that, they tried to do bypass surgery. That's when they take an artery out and try to attach it to another artery, re-route it to get blood flow to the foot. Unfortunately for me, the bypass didn't take, because the artery was just too clotted. So eventually I'm going to lose my left leg, its going to be in the near future. This is a difficult time for me, because even though the doctors have tried to prepare me for this, its still gets harder each day because I am already experiencing tingling, pain, and coldness in all of my fingertips.

For me its just been really difficult, I'm sure there are many people out there who know exactly what I am talking about and can relate. This is not fun for anybody to go through. But I'm keeping up front that I keep an open mind and pray and believe in God. God is all I've got right now. There is no more work left for the doctors or surgeons or any kind of man for that matter. We've exhausted all of our resources and now I am turned over to God. Now whether or not it happens, He is fully aware that I need a miracle. And sitting here talking to you, waiting for this miracle, is testing my patience and faith. I know I am lucky so far, because I am still alive. I was able to be released from the hospital last week alive.

At this point right now, at least today, I'm not willing to give in. Because I truly know that the devil or the evil forces outside me and the monster inside myself want me to give in. That means if I give in that I have lost the battle and the war. I have nothing else left and the doctors shared with me that once someone reaches the final stages of life, which for me means not having any arms or legs or not being able to take care of oneself or enjoy life the way it was meant to be enjoyed, take themselves off dialysis or do something drastic. In my case, I am on kidney dialysis and the doctors said that if I took myself off dialysis that I would go peacefully and quietly in my sleep. And its an easier way to do it.

But to tell you the truth, I am afraid to die. I am afraid that there is some work that I have to finish. When the time comes, like the doctor said, its a natural way to go. Let nature take its course. But that's the last straw, that's the last thing that I will do when I have done everything else and there is nothing left to do. Right now, all the doctors can do is keep me comfortable. I guess what I am trying to get at with anybody who is reading this, before you throw in the towel, make sure you do everything that you can possibly do for yourself to keep your spirits up and to stay alive and not walk away from this. Because even though we have committed a lot of sins in our lives, be it because you are an addict, or because we fall to the surrounding evil that lurks behind us, as many people have told me, its never too late to bring your spirits back up and redeem yourself. For me, I have been doing a lot of soul searching and thinking about all thee things I have done in the past. If I hadn't done them, I wouldn't be in this predicament, but the fact is that I can go through life (or what I have left) and dwell on the things that I did that caused me to be where I am now, or I can take this energy that I have and turn it into a positive notion, and do something good out of it. Whether it is helping somebody else out there who feels the same way I do, or make somebody feel good that there is somebody who is wiling to fight for life with everything they've got, or just to give someone some sign of hope. Believe it or not, when you literally see things like I have, body parts taken from you, the way you feel inside affects the way you look outside. I always thought that if a person is dead inside it won't be long until they are dead completely, unless they fight for it. I'll tell you what, I am tired, I am worn out from everything that is gong on, but I know in my heart I have got to keep doing this, I have got to keep going through what I am going through, and I need to keep doing this till the end. And if anybody else is feeling the way I am feeling, and can relate, the only thing I can say to you is: don't give up. Don't give up! Keep fighting for everything. No matter what we did in the past it doesn't matter, its what we do now that counts. And we can turn whats going on now into something positive. And you might put a smile on somebody's face or save someone's life as well as their own life. Keep the faith, believe in God, believe that there are miracles, whether I am one, or the person next to you is one, or a friend or whoever. As far as I am concerned we are all miracles because we are still alive today.

So until next time, God bless you!"

Major Surgery Tonight

Hi everyone, and happy Thanksgiving.

Just a quick update. Bobby is having major surgery tonight to try and restore blood flow to his leg. He will be in the OR a minimum of 4 hours. I talked to him right before he went in and he sounded ok, except that he didn't sleep much last night because he was nervous about the operation. He will be in the hospital 4-7 days to recover.

-------

Even as I typed what you read above, Bobby's mother called me. The bypass didn't work. He is in recovery right now and will be moved upstairs soon. I am going to meet her. We will update as soon as we can.

Thanks for keeping Bobby in your thoughts and prayers. I am sure his spirits will be low, so every last comment or thought you can leave would help.

Brad

Addiction

It's Bobkat here, and the topic I want to talk about today is addiction. My addiction is so great because with the news that I have gotten (and don't get me wrong, I am in a lot of pain, and I'm talking a lot of pain. My pain is so bad I can't sleep sometimes.) they have me on pain medicine, and what I have to keep in mind is this: is what I am feeling really grounds for a lot of pain that I think I am having or is it really legitimate pain? Well, to me it really is legitimate pain because I feel really bad, you know, I hurt awfully. I tried walking today and I couldn't put any pressure on my foot. When a doctor and I talked about this, he did say they would make me feel as comfortable as they can. And when they did that, I was able to walk and do things. But I didn't feel high, or out of my league. I was able to do that and I want to be able to be around people, do things with my family or friends before I go.

But the addiction is so cunning and baffling, its so easy to misconstrue what is right and wrong. What's really your addiction talking and what's really Bobby and his higher power doing? What I came up with is that when I start to let my addiction take over, that's when Bob starts losing his temper or he starts becoming jealous or nasty because he is not getting what he wants when he wants it. Or feeling like turning it off and throwing in the towel and giving in, listening to your addiction saying, "You know what? There is nothing that they can do. You might as well go finish this off and go out in style." Well, I could do that, and that's the easy way out. I have thought about doing that. But I am hear to tell you, if anybody is going through what I am going through, it's very, very difficult. It hurts to the point where you want to take something or you want to do something so that the pain isn't there anymore.

I've seen people on street corners where I've lived , and I've seen people on TV give up, the bottom line is this, I don't want to give up. I don't want to leave this world with my Mom thinking she didn't do a good job, or my friends thinking they weren't there for me, like Brad, Mario, Julio, my brother Jeff or my younger brother Chris.

All I can say to people out there who have an addictive personality and behavior who got messed up with drugs and alcohol at a young age, because they wanted to fit in, or because they didn't like who they were. You know what? It doesn't matter what you look like or how you act. All that matters is if you are happy and the people around you accept you for who you are. You don't have to be all cool, to go out and get high. It took me a long time to realize that I don't need to get high or drunk to have a good time or to be around people that do that stuff because I want them to like me. I do know that if I give into somebody because of what they are doing, that's just dying, that's not living. Why do something that isn't good for you? Why do something that is wrong? That's not a way to live.

Everything that I did I brought upon myself. But you know what, I'll tell you one thing, I don't want my Mom to think she didn't raise her son right, because she did, I just didn't follow directions. I didn't do what I was supposed to do. I didn't execute God's plan for me. But He did it for me. So if anybody out there is thinking about going back out, picking up and drinking, or drugging because this is the only way of life you know, or because hey my life is already over why not go out with a big bang, don't throw in the towel like that. Its not worth it. If your going to go out, go out clean and sober. Because when it is all said and done, if everybody bet against you or didn't believe in you, they're all going to owe you a great apology. And also you can look yourself in the mirror and say, "I am somebody." regarding what your past says.

God bless you, whoever you are reading this.

Update

I visited Bobby last night and he recorded this message. Hope all of you are well!

Bobby says:
"Hello family,
Its bobkat here again. I’m in a different kind of mood this time. First and foremost, I want to apologize for not updating my blog and for not helping somebody out there go through the issues that I am going through. I am back in the hospital again, and this time I got bad news. My foot, my hands, my health, my veins....I am not giving up. I am definitely not giving up, but the bottom line is, I lost another finger, they had to cut down where they took the other fingers before, all the way to the knuckle just to help it heal up better in hopes of saving the hand.

I am definately doing some soul searching since this has gone through, and the question I came up with, it’s a question that has a two part answer, do I regret what I have done in the past or don’t I? Well, a part of me does regret what I did in the past because it brought on how I am now, and I can’t do the things I liked to do. I can’t run anymore, or do the things I was having fun doing, jump, wrestle, box, I can’t do those things anymore. That’s what bothers me on that. Another part of me doesn’t regret it, because if I did regret it, I wouldn’t be able to do what I am doing now. I would throw away my strength and hopes. Throwing out how I could make a difference in someone’s life or make it that much better. There’s a lot of people out there that could care less about what people like me and you guys are doing. They just don’t care. And if people like me can get through to you and be able to identify with you, that’s a great honor, that’s a great honor.

I’m striving to do the best I can, because what I have going on today is really difficult for me to handle. But I am not going to give up on it either, I’m not going to throw it away. I’m gong to keep striving to let you guys know that whatever is being put in my way, no matter the road block or illness, I am trying to stay in touch with you guys, to try and help get you guys out of the mood that I am in. In order to stop me from doing that, they are going to need help, they are going to need an army, because I am not giving up yet. So far I am still alive, still living, and I have a great bunch of friends and I still go to church. But like I said I got hit with some real bad news and I am not going to let that throw me off.

To go through the things that I am going through, all I can do is share with you what is going on with me and how I am taking care of it and how I am doing it. You guys have to go through your own set of problems and work them out the best you can. And I am telling you, don’t be afraid to pray to God. Ask him for your health. Ask him to heal you. Don’t be afraid to ask him to help you to stay alive.

I’m starting to get tired, but God bless you, you’ll here back from bobkat real soon. Again, God bless you."

Hello from Bobby

Bobby says:

"Hello everybody,

Sorry I have been out of touch, I haven't been feeling well. I am feeling a little down, but I had to apply my own message to myself and pick up my head and realize that you know what? I am alive today, life is a gift and it is very precious. To everybody out there who goes through moments of depression or sadness, remember its just a storm that will pass, but you've gotta go through it, you can't just sit there and get wet, you have to do something about it you have to pick yourself up and know that you can go to the mirror and say that you are alive and be thankful for what you have got.

In my life I have seen a lot of friends come and go and I have buried a lot of people, some family. I've lost some of the friends I grew up with, and the fact of the matter is, with everything that is going on with me and everything I have gone through, I am still alive and I know, I know I should be dead. Just remember, no matter how bad something gets, no matter where you are or what is going on at that particular time in your life, you are still alive and there is still time to change or make a change. For me, it came late, but I am not ready to throw in the towel. Not yet. When god decides to take me that' s when I'll go, until then I have a lot to do and I hope and I pray that this message gets out to whoever is hurting inside, for them to know that they are worth something and they are worth living.

I believe we all deserve to be happy and live a good life as long as we do it the right way. As long as we can do it in the right way, and not hurt people or each other, then life will be that much better. But like I said before, life is a gift and you only get one. Take full advantage of it because its the only one you'll ever have.

God bless everybody out there, and thank you."

Depression

Hello reader, thank you for visiting.

Bobby's physical problems are, for the moment, not getting drastically worse. He will probably lost a third finger sometime soon and meets with his hand doctor tomorrow. The constant gout pain is now in both feet. But as I say, he is not in critical condition, physically. Mentally and emotionally, I wish I could say that the news were as good. He is being overcome by depression and sadness. The pending loss of his finger and the unrelenting, myriad health complications are pushing him into a place that he can't and won't come out of.

Naturally, I have suggested seeing a psychologist or mental health professional, but the steps have never been taken to see that through. I think he believes that all mental health workers are like they were in the rehab centers he has been in. My response is to say that the rehab mental health people are specialists in rehab, whereas the mental health people I want him to see are going to focus on chronic illness and its effects on the mind. He resists, though, and I don't think I am breaking through to a place in his mind where my words have value. I know enough about depression to realize that if he won't take those first few steps, nothing can change how he feels.

In order to facilitate those steps, I am recruiting help from our church. That is what we are supposed to be about, right? Looking out for one another. Here is a case in point where a team approach might be the best medicine. I have not and will not lose hope to help him take advantage of every day. There are a few other people besides me that are working on Bobby, but its going to take more. Let's hope he is willing to let us help him.

Talk to you soon.

Update

Hello readers!

First off, thank you to those of you who have commented, I assure you Bobby will get back to you. He just set up his first email account, so maybe it won't be long until he is the one posting new material on this blog with his own computer under his own steam. If you would like to email him, he is at "bobkat31671@yahoo.com".

I haven't spoken with him in a couple of days. We went to church on Sunday and had brunch together afterward. He seemed to be fine. He is planning to go see family in NY this thanksgiving, and of course dialysis has to be organized up there in order for him to go. Fortunately Davita, the dialysis company, is fairly well spread out on the east coast and it looks like they have a location near his destination.

He is also talking about spending some quality time this Christmas with his Mom and brother. I get the feeling he is getting more engaged with family members lately. That is, of course, very healthy for him, as it is for anybody.

Except for a slight cold, he seems to be well. He has a good attitude and outlook.

Thank you to all of those who have prayed and kept him in your thoughts. It has made a difference, I assure you.

Talk to you soon,
Brad