Addiction

It's Bobkat here, and the topic I want to talk about today is addiction. My addiction is so great because with the news that I have gotten (and don't get me wrong, I am in a lot of pain, and I'm talking a lot of pain. My pain is so bad I can't sleep sometimes.) they have me on pain medicine, and what I have to keep in mind is this: is what I am feeling really grounds for a lot of pain that I think I am having or is it really legitimate pain? Well, to me it really is legitimate pain because I feel really bad, you know, I hurt awfully. I tried walking today and I couldn't put any pressure on my foot. When a doctor and I talked about this, he did say they would make me feel as comfortable as they can. And when they did that, I was able to walk and do things. But I didn't feel high, or out of my league. I was able to do that and I want to be able to be around people, do things with my family or friends before I go.

But the addiction is so cunning and baffling, its so easy to misconstrue what is right and wrong. What's really your addiction talking and what's really Bobby and his higher power doing? What I came up with is that when I start to let my addiction take over, that's when Bob starts losing his temper or he starts becoming jealous or nasty because he is not getting what he wants when he wants it. Or feeling like turning it off and throwing in the towel and giving in, listening to your addiction saying, "You know what? There is nothing that they can do. You might as well go finish this off and go out in style." Well, I could do that, and that's the easy way out. I have thought about doing that. But I am hear to tell you, if anybody is going through what I am going through, it's very, very difficult. It hurts to the point where you want to take something or you want to do something so that the pain isn't there anymore.

I've seen people on street corners where I've lived , and I've seen people on TV give up, the bottom line is this, I don't want to give up. I don't want to leave this world with my Mom thinking she didn't do a good job, or my friends thinking they weren't there for me, like Brad, Mario, Julio, my brother Jeff or my younger brother Chris.

All I can say to people out there who have an addictive personality and behavior who got messed up with drugs and alcohol at a young age, because they wanted to fit in, or because they didn't like who they were. You know what? It doesn't matter what you look like or how you act. All that matters is if you are happy and the people around you accept you for who you are. You don't have to be all cool, to go out and get high. It took me a long time to realize that I don't need to get high or drunk to have a good time or to be around people that do that stuff because I want them to like me. I do know that if I give into somebody because of what they are doing, that's just dying, that's not living. Why do something that isn't good for you? Why do something that is wrong? That's not a way to live.

Everything that I did I brought upon myself. But you know what, I'll tell you one thing, I don't want my Mom to think she didn't raise her son right, because she did, I just didn't follow directions. I didn't do what I was supposed to do. I didn't execute God's plan for me. But He did it for me. So if anybody out there is thinking about going back out, picking up and drinking, or drugging because this is the only way of life you know, or because hey my life is already over why not go out with a big bang, don't throw in the towel like that. Its not worth it. If your going to go out, go out clean and sober. Because when it is all said and done, if everybody bet against you or didn't believe in you, they're all going to owe you a great apology. And also you can look yourself in the mirror and say, "I am somebody." regarding what your past says.

God bless you, whoever you are reading this.