Hello from Bobby

Bobby says:

"Hello everybody,

Sorry I have been out of touch, I haven't been feeling well. I am feeling a little down, but I had to apply my own message to myself and pick up my head and realize that you know what? I am alive today, life is a gift and it is very precious. To everybody out there who goes through moments of depression or sadness, remember its just a storm that will pass, but you've gotta go through it, you can't just sit there and get wet, you have to do something about it you have to pick yourself up and know that you can go to the mirror and say that you are alive and be thankful for what you have got.

In my life I have seen a lot of friends come and go and I have buried a lot of people, some family. I've lost some of the friends I grew up with, and the fact of the matter is, with everything that is going on with me and everything I have gone through, I am still alive and I know, I know I should be dead. Just remember, no matter how bad something gets, no matter where you are or what is going on at that particular time in your life, you are still alive and there is still time to change or make a change. For me, it came late, but I am not ready to throw in the towel. Not yet. When god decides to take me that' s when I'll go, until then I have a lot to do and I hope and I pray that this message gets out to whoever is hurting inside, for them to know that they are worth something and they are worth living.

I believe we all deserve to be happy and live a good life as long as we do it the right way. As long as we can do it in the right way, and not hurt people or each other, then life will be that much better. But like I said before, life is a gift and you only get one. Take full advantage of it because its the only one you'll ever have.

God bless everybody out there, and thank you."

Depression

Hello reader, thank you for visiting.

Bobby's physical problems are, for the moment, not getting drastically worse. He will probably lost a third finger sometime soon and meets with his hand doctor tomorrow. The constant gout pain is now in both feet. But as I say, he is not in critical condition, physically. Mentally and emotionally, I wish I could say that the news were as good. He is being overcome by depression and sadness. The pending loss of his finger and the unrelenting, myriad health complications are pushing him into a place that he can't and won't come out of.

Naturally, I have suggested seeing a psychologist or mental health professional, but the steps have never been taken to see that through. I think he believes that all mental health workers are like they were in the rehab centers he has been in. My response is to say that the rehab mental health people are specialists in rehab, whereas the mental health people I want him to see are going to focus on chronic illness and its effects on the mind. He resists, though, and I don't think I am breaking through to a place in his mind where my words have value. I know enough about depression to realize that if he won't take those first few steps, nothing can change how he feels.

In order to facilitate those steps, I am recruiting help from our church. That is what we are supposed to be about, right? Looking out for one another. Here is a case in point where a team approach might be the best medicine. I have not and will not lose hope to help him take advantage of every day. There are a few other people besides me that are working on Bobby, but its going to take more. Let's hope he is willing to let us help him.

Talk to you soon.

Update

Hello readers!

First off, thank you to those of you who have commented, I assure you Bobby will get back to you. He just set up his first email account, so maybe it won't be long until he is the one posting new material on this blog with his own computer under his own steam. If you would like to email him, he is at "bobkat31671@yahoo.com".

I haven't spoken with him in a couple of days. We went to church on Sunday and had brunch together afterward. He seemed to be fine. He is planning to go see family in NY this thanksgiving, and of course dialysis has to be organized up there in order for him to go. Fortunately Davita, the dialysis company, is fairly well spread out on the east coast and it looks like they have a location near his destination.

He is also talking about spending some quality time this Christmas with his Mom and brother. I get the feeling he is getting more engaged with family members lately. That is, of course, very healthy for him, as it is for anybody.

Except for a slight cold, he seems to be well. He has a good attitude and outlook.

Thank you to all of those who have prayed and kept him in your thoughts. It has made a difference, I assure you.

Talk to you soon,
Brad

Faith - believing in something that you cannot see or hear

Here are some ideas on faith that Bobby wanted to share.

Bobby says:
“Even though you can’t see it, feel it, taste it, touch it or hold it, doesn’t mean its not there. For me, with everything that’s going on, its difficult to handle my faith because I have been shot down by a lot of doctors. I feel low. Nobody wants to go through something like this. I know that people can get shot down in any number of ways, but nobody thinks about how I feel when it happens.
Greed, power, being the man, none of that matters. I see some people want to have another run at something, be it drugs, drink, crime, I am not a part of that anymore. There are so many things that I want to do, I wish I did not wait so long to do them. I think I did wait too long.

When I was in jail, one of my cell mates said, "Never sleep with your head towards the bars." I said, "Why?" He said, "Cause if they don’t like you they will cut your throat." That environment was totally new to me, I had to re-learn how to survive, how to have faith, how to be ruthless, how to keep my mouth shut and not be nosy. When I was sentenced to all that time, I was shocked. I was seriously shocked. When I first got there I was in single cell, the “hold” as they call it. There was nothing in it, you couldn’t have any visitors, no telephone, no nothing really. And my Mom sent me some books, they were the only ones I was allowed to have. They were stories about people turning their lives around using faith. I think that was important at that moment, for me to read about that.

The only job another convict in jail has is to break you down, to let you know that he is there, and if he has to kill you he will kill you. It was very hard to adjust to that scene so I made it a point to get on my hands and knees and pray morning noon and night. I remember my mom telling me something that stuck with me, she said, keep the faith. So I did. I kept praying to God, praying to God. It was terrible.

So Brad, if your kids ever screw up, if you have to, be tough with them. Especially if they don’t want to listen. Because you are here to take care of yourself, your kids, your wife. I look at you and say, I think you are doing what God wants you to do. I think God and Jesus have a lot on their plate, if they say, ok Brad, I am going to give you kids, then there has to be a reason for that. To have the opportunity to give those kids what they deserve, I think you are entitled to that.”

Don't be afraid to lean on people (Especially if they have leaned on you!)

Here is Bobby's first blog entry since leaving the rehab center. We sat down on Monday night. He spoke, I typed. Again, I have made small edits to sentences so that it is easier to read, but these are his words.

Bobby:
"I did not take the problems with my body seriously in the beginning. I thought it was a way to get out of school. I can remember the most exciting part of my day was going to work with my mom, getting a wrestling magazine and going to lunch with her after my doctor’s appointment. It wasn’t a happy time for me. When I would hear mom and dad talk about me, I knew something wasn’t right.

With this illness, I have endured a lot of things. For example, I never hit puberty and I have a lot of insecurity. I knew that I couldn’t do a lot of things that other kids could, and I had to compromise in other ways. I didn’t like to live my life like that, knowing I was different, so I became very rebellious, bitter and angry. One thing I have to say, though, is I have never forgotten what my Mom has done for me.

The disease I have is forever, it is never going to go away. It’s been something I have had to deal with for a very, very long time. It hasn’t been easy. Maybe that’s why I turned to drugs and alcohol. Why I didn’t turn to my mom or dad because there was nothing they could do about my illness, they could take me here or take me there, but nothing about it was ever going to change.

I hope that anybody who has a chance to read what I am sharing knows that they have a lot of ways to deal with their illness. This does not have to end. You do not have to give up. You CAN survive, you CAN live life. I recently had two fingers amputated and found out that I have very poor circulation. I am not getting sufficient blood flow in my body. But I can’t worry about that right now. I have to work on today.

I do know this: out of everything that I have gone through...and I mean this from the bottom of my heart...my mom is the reason that I am still alive. If it weren’t for her I would have died a long time ago.

As far as my past, I always knew days like this were coming, and my mom warned me but I didn’t listen. Asking for help is not a weak thing. It’s not about pride. It’s about doing the right thing, and finding out what I have to do to live. For me, I didn’t believe that and it hurt me physically, mentally and emotionally. It’s too late for me now, but it isn’t too late for anybody who reads and thinks that it is. Remember, illnesses do not discriminate. They don’t care what you look like or if you are having a bad day. They will attack. Don’t give them the pleasure, and don’t be afraid to ask for help."

Update

Hello All!

Bobby got out of the rehab center on Sunday, not a moment too soon. We had dinner the night he got out and he told me some disturbing things, for example, the doctor told him that if he didn't like it there, he could leave. Then they brought him a fish dinner despite the "allergic to fish" bracelet he had on. And finally, the medication snafu, where the hospital and the rehab center didn't communicate and he didn't have his medicines for the better part of 24 hours.

He was dialyzed Monday and yesterday, trying to get back to his dry weight. He still has bandages on his hands. Despite that, he is in pretty good spirits and eager to work on this blog. I will post another session later today (EST, USA) where he will give a little history of his illness, how it affected him as a child, and advice for people with similar health challenges.

Check back later tonight or tomorrow for that post. Thanks for visiting and please let us know you were here!

Update

Bobby is in a rehab center in Arlington. His mother tells me that the transition from the hospital to the rehab center was a complete disaster. They did not have ANY medications ready for him when he got there, including pain medicine. They said it would take a full day to get it in. For someone on as high a dose of pain medicine as Bobby, a day could send him into a withdrawal coma, so needless to say his mother was livid and so is Bobby. If that was how they were going to handle it, he would have preferred to just come home. The problem is he has just had major groin surgery and needs to recuperate a bit more before being on his own at home. His mother works and has her own medical procedures to worry about for the moment. He can walk and do some stairs, but without all of his fingers I think he is going to need some help getting meals ready and learning how to get by in a different way. They are going to request some in-home assistance for him when he does get back home.

It is just incredible to me that someone as sick as he is has to deal with hospital/facility blunders. I would think they would take EXTRA care to help someone who has had amputations and major surgery. It just seems like he falls through the cracks time and again. You just want to grab whoever was responsible by the collar and shake some sense into them. But of course, no one is accountable, there is no ONE person to take complaints or apologize. So it just gets left open-ended. And if this is the frustration I am feeling, just imagine for Bobby. He is already depressed, and the system just kicks him while he is down. And there is nothing we can do about. Tough day. I hope his care improves while he is there. He is a notoriously bad patient, and worse when the medical staff doesn't follow up on pain management.

Tomorrow is another day.

Conversation with Bobby

The format of this entry is a conversation that Bobby and I recently had. I recorded it with his consent and decided that rather than summarize what we talked about, I would just post the transcript. Hopefully this way you can see how the conversation flowed and what was on Bobby's mind. The questions are mine and I have edited the paragraphs slightly to make it easier to read. So while the content is not verbatim, it is a very close copy of the spoken words.

As you will see, Bobby has a lot of regret about his past of substance abuse. He is worried about the physical damage, but perhaps more importantly, the spiritual damage. It is a subject that comes up often when we get together and I hoped to push him towards dealing with his guilt rather than let it just dominate his every thought.

Here is our conversation:

Bobby: When it comes to using, there is a voice in my head that says, Bobby, go ahead and do this, you’ll be able to work it out. And then another one will chime in and say, don’t get high, don’t use drugs, don’t take that money, don’t call in sick for work. Well lots of times I ended up listening to the negative side. And I felt bad! You feel bad. Because you went ahead and did that drug, or spent money you weren’t supposed to, or called in sick for work, and here you are now on your knees, praying to God and hoping that you can get by or get through the consequences.

Q: Do you think God is listening?

A: I think God is always listening. I think God doesn’t make the decisions. I think he lets you make the decisions and if you make the wrong decision he will let you know the next day. He will put thoughts in your head, like: I hope they don’t test me, lets hope they don’t check me for drugs.

If you make the decisions and they are poor decisions, all of a sudden you regret them. The reason you regret them is because you screwed up. You decided to walk on the dark, evil side. You decided to go in the wrong direction. If I would just have heeded those words, I would have had far fewer problems. I wouldn’t have had to worry, thinking hey, I did this coke, or heroine, I called in sick, and didn’t exercise because I had other things going on. Or maybe I slept and wasted the whole next day because I decided that drinking was more important. Unacceptable! You are the one that’s regretting it now, and you're hating yourself and thinking to yourself, oh my gosh, I’ve got to call in, hopefully I still have a job. And the entire time you are praying to God! You are praying to God about a mistake that you made and deep down inside you knew was wrong. You already knew it was wrong. And you choose to not go in the right direction. If you had gone to work, or not used drugs, or listened to your doctors, you wouldn’t be regretting it, you wouldn’t be pulling your hair out, or feeling depressed or pressured.

Q: Do you think God is going to forgive you for these things, Bobby?

A: I think he knows what I have done. Whether he forgives me or not, it is really up to me, Brad. I really think that he thinks it’s up to me. I think that God gave me the opportunity and gives me a chance to redeem myself. He can help me do what I am doing now. Even so.....I knew what was going to happen, I knew what was in store.

Q: And you think he is going to look at that and not forgive you because you knew what was in store and you did it anyway?

A: I don’t know if he will forgive me or not, I am the one who has to ask for forgiveness. I do know that the wager of sin is death, plain and simple.

Q: Do you forgive yourself?

A: I think I forgive myself. I think I just let myself down because I was better than that. Crack? Crack is such a dirty, nasty drug. Heroine has been around for ages, we just figured out a way to make it more potent. If we were true Christians, or maybe if we weren’t Christians but we had strong minds, we would think to ourselves: we can do better than this. Why would we put this crap in our bodies? Our bodies are supposed to be our temples. We are supposed to be strong! We are supposed to be good to ourselves. Yet here we are doing stupid crap. We decide to take injections, use a needle and use our veins as a racetrack. Its disgusting. I look at myself and say that its not that I won’t forgive myself, but I need to choose to spend my money on good things, instead of taking the money and spending it on crack.

When you came and saw me in the hospital eight months ago and I was out of it, they had to watch me because I was in such bad shape. I told you about the seizures I had. Well, that was the crack. Crack was one of the reasons why I was in there, it was why I was nodding out and why I OD’d. I was taking too much of my medication and mixing it with crack.

Q:So you weren’t there because of cocaine?

A: Crack is a form of cocaine.

Q:When you went into the hospital that time how did you do the crack, did you smoke it?

A: I smoked it, I relapsed. Since that time, February, I haven’t done anything or involved myself in anything like that. Actually, I OD’d on a combination of medication, heroine and crack.

Q: All three? There was the prescription dilaudid, the crack and the heroine?

A: Yes.

Q: Intravenous heroine?

A: Yeah. It was dirty heroine, it wasn’t that good, you could tell. What I am getting at is that I knew what the consequences were. And in my heart I knew I wanted to change but I was having a hard time converting over because I had been that way for so long. I can remember going to meetings and acting like I was sober. I was faking, playing both sides of the fence. You can’t play both sides of the fence or you are going to fall off. It just doesn’t work. Bottom line is this, you cannot live your life like that, sooner or later, you are going to fall off on the wrong side, you are going to get busted or caught and you are going to do some serious damage.

Q: So here we are today, that was 8-9 months ago, tomorrow will be here in a few hours, and then there will be a day after that and a day after that, how are you going to live the future?

A: That’s why I have been praying to God asking him to let me stay around. I feel I owe him because he has allowed me to live for so long and for the damage that I have done. I want him to let me do his work for him, do some work for him. Whether he lets me do that or not is up to him.

Q: But that doesn’t change your intention, right? I think its important to recognize your regret, but I don’t know that the way that you are thinking about it is productive, I think you are letting it overwhelm you and if all you think is, well I messed up, and that is all there is, then how are you going to get anything done?

A: That’s what I’m trying to overcome, that’s why I want to see Father Rob or Anne, or a social worker, or why I am talking to you. I don’t want to live with any more regrets. I don’t know where to start except to say I know the damage I have done. Plain and simple.

Q: But you know there is a lot of potential to do some good too.

A: I have every intention of doing that when I get out of here. I just feel that I have to do something for God, and I want to. And this is before he calls for me, before he takes me. You can get lucky like that preacher did in that book “90 Minutes in Heaven” but I just feel like I have things to do, and I want to do them. I am excited about it. I used to not get excited about Christmas or Thanksgiving. I told my mom before I came in here that I want to go to New York to see family this thanksgiving. I want to go with her and my brother to this play on Christmas. I want to do that with them, I just want to do family things. I really don’t think I have that much longer to live, Brad, but what time I have I want to do what I have to do for God and carry my weight because I sure as heck didn’t help God out.

Q: Pulling your weight also means getting up and doing some exercise, eating right, stuff like that?

A: Yup, but I have got to do some work. He’s not going to do it. If he decides to let me help him spread his word then maybe he’ll let me stay, maybe he won’t call for me right away. But I am feeling guilty and I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I want to do what I have to do, get out of here, live whatever life I have left and hopefully that will be a good amount.

Q: why don’t you talk about that with Anne tomorrow?

A: I will. If I can get through to one person - anybody - and they read about me and try to contact me, then I did my job, I feel I have connected with somebody. That’s what this is all about.

Update

Bobby has been in the hospital now for almost a month. Over the last year he has been in and out of different hospitals at least ten times. Because of his deteriorating arteries, he has lost two fingers, one on each hand. As he would say, its just one thing after another. He was sent home last week, and on the same day he got home he fell and damaged his groin. The next morning he woke up in too much pain to walk, called the rescue squad who brought him to the hospital yet again, this time needing emergency surgery to fix a bad hernia. The operation has made it difficult to walk, but he is making progress. Tomorrow he is told they will transfer him to a rehabilitation facility until he is well enough to get around on his own. Needless to say, between the arterial disease in his arms, the loss of his fingers, and this most recent operation, he is fighting depression. His doctors aren't specifically saying what will happen, but he is not encouraged. Because of the H1N1 flu, visiting hours are restricted and I have not been able to visit as much as I would like. But we do talk about twice a day on the phone. Bobby really needs to catch a break. Please take a moment to leave him a word or two of encouragement and let him know that people are out there praying for him.