Major Surgery Tonight

Hi everyone, and happy Thanksgiving.

Just a quick update. Bobby is having major surgery tonight to try and restore blood flow to his leg. He will be in the OR a minimum of 4 hours. I talked to him right before he went in and he sounded ok, except that he didn't sleep much last night because he was nervous about the operation. He will be in the hospital 4-7 days to recover.

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Even as I typed what you read above, Bobby's mother called me. The bypass didn't work. He is in recovery right now and will be moved upstairs soon. I am going to meet her. We will update as soon as we can.

Thanks for keeping Bobby in your thoughts and prayers. I am sure his spirits will be low, so every last comment or thought you can leave would help.

Brad

Addiction

It's Bobkat here, and the topic I want to talk about today is addiction. My addiction is so great because with the news that I have gotten (and don't get me wrong, I am in a lot of pain, and I'm talking a lot of pain. My pain is so bad I can't sleep sometimes.) they have me on pain medicine, and what I have to keep in mind is this: is what I am feeling really grounds for a lot of pain that I think I am having or is it really legitimate pain? Well, to me it really is legitimate pain because I feel really bad, you know, I hurt awfully. I tried walking today and I couldn't put any pressure on my foot. When a doctor and I talked about this, he did say they would make me feel as comfortable as they can. And when they did that, I was able to walk and do things. But I didn't feel high, or out of my league. I was able to do that and I want to be able to be around people, do things with my family or friends before I go.

But the addiction is so cunning and baffling, its so easy to misconstrue what is right and wrong. What's really your addiction talking and what's really Bobby and his higher power doing? What I came up with is that when I start to let my addiction take over, that's when Bob starts losing his temper or he starts becoming jealous or nasty because he is not getting what he wants when he wants it. Or feeling like turning it off and throwing in the towel and giving in, listening to your addiction saying, "You know what? There is nothing that they can do. You might as well go finish this off and go out in style." Well, I could do that, and that's the easy way out. I have thought about doing that. But I am hear to tell you, if anybody is going through what I am going through, it's very, very difficult. It hurts to the point where you want to take something or you want to do something so that the pain isn't there anymore.

I've seen people on street corners where I've lived , and I've seen people on TV give up, the bottom line is this, I don't want to give up. I don't want to leave this world with my Mom thinking she didn't do a good job, or my friends thinking they weren't there for me, like Brad, Mario, Julio, my brother Jeff or my younger brother Chris.

All I can say to people out there who have an addictive personality and behavior who got messed up with drugs and alcohol at a young age, because they wanted to fit in, or because they didn't like who they were. You know what? It doesn't matter what you look like or how you act. All that matters is if you are happy and the people around you accept you for who you are. You don't have to be all cool, to go out and get high. It took me a long time to realize that I don't need to get high or drunk to have a good time or to be around people that do that stuff because I want them to like me. I do know that if I give into somebody because of what they are doing, that's just dying, that's not living. Why do something that isn't good for you? Why do something that is wrong? That's not a way to live.

Everything that I did I brought upon myself. But you know what, I'll tell you one thing, I don't want my Mom to think she didn't raise her son right, because she did, I just didn't follow directions. I didn't do what I was supposed to do. I didn't execute God's plan for me. But He did it for me. So if anybody out there is thinking about going back out, picking up and drinking, or drugging because this is the only way of life you know, or because hey my life is already over why not go out with a big bang, don't throw in the towel like that. Its not worth it. If your going to go out, go out clean and sober. Because when it is all said and done, if everybody bet against you or didn't believe in you, they're all going to owe you a great apology. And also you can look yourself in the mirror and say, "I am somebody." regarding what your past says.

God bless you, whoever you are reading this.

Update

I visited Bobby last night and he recorded this message. Hope all of you are well!

Bobby says:
"Hello family,
Its bobkat here again. I’m in a different kind of mood this time. First and foremost, I want to apologize for not updating my blog and for not helping somebody out there go through the issues that I am going through. I am back in the hospital again, and this time I got bad news. My foot, my hands, my health, my veins....I am not giving up. I am definitely not giving up, but the bottom line is, I lost another finger, they had to cut down where they took the other fingers before, all the way to the knuckle just to help it heal up better in hopes of saving the hand.

I am definately doing some soul searching since this has gone through, and the question I came up with, it’s a question that has a two part answer, do I regret what I have done in the past or don’t I? Well, a part of me does regret what I did in the past because it brought on how I am now, and I can’t do the things I liked to do. I can’t run anymore, or do the things I was having fun doing, jump, wrestle, box, I can’t do those things anymore. That’s what bothers me on that. Another part of me doesn’t regret it, because if I did regret it, I wouldn’t be able to do what I am doing now. I would throw away my strength and hopes. Throwing out how I could make a difference in someone’s life or make it that much better. There’s a lot of people out there that could care less about what people like me and you guys are doing. They just don’t care. And if people like me can get through to you and be able to identify with you, that’s a great honor, that’s a great honor.

I’m striving to do the best I can, because what I have going on today is really difficult for me to handle. But I am not going to give up on it either, I’m not going to throw it away. I’m gong to keep striving to let you guys know that whatever is being put in my way, no matter the road block or illness, I am trying to stay in touch with you guys, to try and help get you guys out of the mood that I am in. In order to stop me from doing that, they are going to need help, they are going to need an army, because I am not giving up yet. So far I am still alive, still living, and I have a great bunch of friends and I still go to church. But like I said I got hit with some real bad news and I am not going to let that throw me off.

To go through the things that I am going through, all I can do is share with you what is going on with me and how I am taking care of it and how I am doing it. You guys have to go through your own set of problems and work them out the best you can. And I am telling you, don’t be afraid to pray to God. Ask him for your health. Ask him to heal you. Don’t be afraid to ask him to help you to stay alive.

I’m starting to get tired, but God bless you, you’ll here back from bobkat real soon. Again, God bless you."

Hello from Bobby

Bobby says:

"Hello everybody,

Sorry I have been out of touch, I haven't been feeling well. I am feeling a little down, but I had to apply my own message to myself and pick up my head and realize that you know what? I am alive today, life is a gift and it is very precious. To everybody out there who goes through moments of depression or sadness, remember its just a storm that will pass, but you've gotta go through it, you can't just sit there and get wet, you have to do something about it you have to pick yourself up and know that you can go to the mirror and say that you are alive and be thankful for what you have got.

In my life I have seen a lot of friends come and go and I have buried a lot of people, some family. I've lost some of the friends I grew up with, and the fact of the matter is, with everything that is going on with me and everything I have gone through, I am still alive and I know, I know I should be dead. Just remember, no matter how bad something gets, no matter where you are or what is going on at that particular time in your life, you are still alive and there is still time to change or make a change. For me, it came late, but I am not ready to throw in the towel. Not yet. When god decides to take me that' s when I'll go, until then I have a lot to do and I hope and I pray that this message gets out to whoever is hurting inside, for them to know that they are worth something and they are worth living.

I believe we all deserve to be happy and live a good life as long as we do it the right way. As long as we can do it in the right way, and not hurt people or each other, then life will be that much better. But like I said before, life is a gift and you only get one. Take full advantage of it because its the only one you'll ever have.

God bless everybody out there, and thank you."

Depression

Hello reader, thank you for visiting.

Bobby's physical problems are, for the moment, not getting drastically worse. He will probably lost a third finger sometime soon and meets with his hand doctor tomorrow. The constant gout pain is now in both feet. But as I say, he is not in critical condition, physically. Mentally and emotionally, I wish I could say that the news were as good. He is being overcome by depression and sadness. The pending loss of his finger and the unrelenting, myriad health complications are pushing him into a place that he can't and won't come out of.

Naturally, I have suggested seeing a psychologist or mental health professional, but the steps have never been taken to see that through. I think he believes that all mental health workers are like they were in the rehab centers he has been in. My response is to say that the rehab mental health people are specialists in rehab, whereas the mental health people I want him to see are going to focus on chronic illness and its effects on the mind. He resists, though, and I don't think I am breaking through to a place in his mind where my words have value. I know enough about depression to realize that if he won't take those first few steps, nothing can change how he feels.

In order to facilitate those steps, I am recruiting help from our church. That is what we are supposed to be about, right? Looking out for one another. Here is a case in point where a team approach might be the best medicine. I have not and will not lose hope to help him take advantage of every day. There are a few other people besides me that are working on Bobby, but its going to take more. Let's hope he is willing to let us help him.

Talk to you soon.

Update

Hello readers!

First off, thank you to those of you who have commented, I assure you Bobby will get back to you. He just set up his first email account, so maybe it won't be long until he is the one posting new material on this blog with his own computer under his own steam. If you would like to email him, he is at "bobkat31671@yahoo.com".

I haven't spoken with him in a couple of days. We went to church on Sunday and had brunch together afterward. He seemed to be fine. He is planning to go see family in NY this thanksgiving, and of course dialysis has to be organized up there in order for him to go. Fortunately Davita, the dialysis company, is fairly well spread out on the east coast and it looks like they have a location near his destination.

He is also talking about spending some quality time this Christmas with his Mom and brother. I get the feeling he is getting more engaged with family members lately. That is, of course, very healthy for him, as it is for anybody.

Except for a slight cold, he seems to be well. He has a good attitude and outlook.

Thank you to all of those who have prayed and kept him in your thoughts. It has made a difference, I assure you.

Talk to you soon,
Brad

Faith - believing in something that you cannot see or hear

Here are some ideas on faith that Bobby wanted to share.

Bobby says:
“Even though you can’t see it, feel it, taste it, touch it or hold it, doesn’t mean its not there. For me, with everything that’s going on, its difficult to handle my faith because I have been shot down by a lot of doctors. I feel low. Nobody wants to go through something like this. I know that people can get shot down in any number of ways, but nobody thinks about how I feel when it happens.
Greed, power, being the man, none of that matters. I see some people want to have another run at something, be it drugs, drink, crime, I am not a part of that anymore. There are so many things that I want to do, I wish I did not wait so long to do them. I think I did wait too long.

When I was in jail, one of my cell mates said, "Never sleep with your head towards the bars." I said, "Why?" He said, "Cause if they don’t like you they will cut your throat." That environment was totally new to me, I had to re-learn how to survive, how to have faith, how to be ruthless, how to keep my mouth shut and not be nosy. When I was sentenced to all that time, I was shocked. I was seriously shocked. When I first got there I was in single cell, the “hold” as they call it. There was nothing in it, you couldn’t have any visitors, no telephone, no nothing really. And my Mom sent me some books, they were the only ones I was allowed to have. They were stories about people turning their lives around using faith. I think that was important at that moment, for me to read about that.

The only job another convict in jail has is to break you down, to let you know that he is there, and if he has to kill you he will kill you. It was very hard to adjust to that scene so I made it a point to get on my hands and knees and pray morning noon and night. I remember my mom telling me something that stuck with me, she said, keep the faith. So I did. I kept praying to God, praying to God. It was terrible.

So Brad, if your kids ever screw up, if you have to, be tough with them. Especially if they don’t want to listen. Because you are here to take care of yourself, your kids, your wife. I look at you and say, I think you are doing what God wants you to do. I think God and Jesus have a lot on their plate, if they say, ok Brad, I am going to give you kids, then there has to be a reason for that. To have the opportunity to give those kids what they deserve, I think you are entitled to that.”